Tired

I'm tired. Strange I'm saying this after taking a holiday, and I did feel better during it, I come back and WHAM! I feel weighted down again. I don't know, I guess during the holiday although I was physically tired, mentally I was free, when I come back I'm mentally tired and yeah, just makes me feel tired in general. I was so tired I actually fell asleep while crying last night gosh, thats how tired I am. And camp is coming soon, great. I'm in no condition to be a GL now, emotionally I'm very fragile and yeah, really just a wreck inside. Actually I feel like I shouldn't do anything in church at all for the moment, cause I'm just so messed up. I just want a break, to just drive away.

I was irritated with myself this morning, wasn't in a very good mood and too tired to really play well, and I get upset when I know I'm not giving my best for God. And yeah, its like I say okay, I'll set aside the whole of worship to really just give it my best and put everything else aside, no matter how screwed up everything is. But I couldn't really maintain it, I was too tired, I just didn't think I should be there today.

And I really am struggling with my weird liking of depression, I like to be sad I just can't explain it. I like the feeling of having my heart cut and covered in open wounds, I like to cry my eyes out till my eyes are sore, and I really don't understand why. But I know I can't let that happen, not now, I have too much to do now. Maybe it's what I'm familiar with, it's what gives me a little comfort, honestly I don't know. All I know is I like it, and its just so hard to push away. I'd choose to be alone and suffer in silence over going out with people, althought I do still suffer when I'm out with people but its just not so obvious.

I guess I kind of hide my feelings, I don't know, I honestly don't want people to have to get all caught up with my problems. I don't want to go looking for attention, I don't want people to make a big fuss about me. I used to want people to at least care a bit but now it doesn't really make any difference. Its my own problems and yeah, I'll just have to sort it out myself.

I guess this is part of life isn't it, all the struggling and suffering, and I guess its good i've kind of accepted it right? Maybe liking pain isn't such a bad thing.




Struggling just to hold on,
With faith like a child.