My Sick Vicious Cycle

This is going to be a blog only thing, I'm not gonna tell anyone about it cause I'm so sick of it already. Seriously what is wrong with me? Whats been happening lately thats got me feeling so screwed up, gosh I wish I knew. Its like I'm suddenly stuck in this vicious cycle of depression and sadness, everytime I think I'm alright already the pain resurfaces and hits me even harder, I honestly don't know how much more of this I can take. Its just this recurring feeling of loneness, like whats the point in everything, even when I'm with people it still feels like I'm alone, I feel like I'm just an empty shell staring into nothing by myself. Sigh... Its so ironic that I'm like cheerful and stuff most of the time but inside I just want to be sad, I just one to be hurt and in pain and know that I'm alive. Cause I can't really tell the difference between being dead and what I'm like now, its just so cold inside. And I really wonder whats up with my sadistic love of liking the feeling of being sad, liking the feeling of being alone, its like a love-hate kinda thing, I love being alone and I think I should stay alone for the rest of my life sometimes, but at other times I just can't stand it, I just wanna yell out loud for anyone at all to save me. Its not that I don't have friends who will listen yeah, I do have friends, but I don't know, I just don't want to be another burden to them, I don't want to go on ranting and ranting and get them irritated and stuff, because I know I'm gonna start talking nonsense that makes no sense and not listen to what they're saying. I just seem to like the cold nowadays, want to sit on my bed with the air-con blasting hugging myself, want to take cold showers and just freezing and cold, cause It just doesn't compare to whats inside. I hate myself, I find I hate myself more everyday, feel like I'm so useless even when I know I'm not. It can't be helped, just feel so hopeless, why am I always feeling hopeless gosh... Sometimes I wonder if I'm just deceiving myself, believing someday things will be alright, always cheering myself up by saying things will get better and I don't have to worry, cause everytime things do seem to get better its suddenly all gone again, and it hits me harder and faster everytime, I can't believe how fast my mood can change nowadays. And I'm so tired of trying to hold back the tears, it seems like almost everyday there'll be some point when I wish I could just breakdown, but I can't do that, I've cried enough already I don't wanna start that all over again. I think I'll stop now, I'm getting sick of my own posting and its more than enough self-pity I can stand already.