The Mess That Is Me

This is so not a good time for me to go to camp. Its too late now. I can't back out, all I can do is try my best. Try to hold off a full blown breakdown, I know its coming its only a matter of when, and I really wanna hold it off until after camp. Then I can cry all I want, as long as I want and wallow in my self-pity. Yup I'm pathetic, but I love being sad, I love that shape pain you feel in your heart that is just so painful, I love it. I love to feel hurt, I love to cry, if I'm suffering from depression I honestly love it. But then I'm not sucidal, so I guess I'm okay. And theres nothing anyone can really do about it, sorry if it worries anyone but theres really nothing anyone can do for me now. How screwed up can a kid like me get uh? Well I guess theres no helping me when its always been like that, since way back whatever I can remember, yeah I had a pretty screwed up childhood, and a pretty screwed up teenage life. From beginning to now it was just me, myself and I, I never relied on anyone, there was never really anyone there for me in the first place. All those nights of crying, of hurting, and there really wasn't anyone who could really do anything for me. How God got me through that I honestly don't know, how He's gonna do it again now is way beyond me. But somehow its gonna be okay, thats the way it is isn't it? So yups, everyone, just ignore me and yeah, take comfort that somehow, everything will just be okay by itself, honestly nothing to worry about, I'm mostly invisible anyway, doesn't really matter does it?