Loneliness

Sigh... how I hate it yet love it. I hate being lonely, I hate this feeling of never feeling like I'm really with people, and knowing I'll probably feel like this forever, and yet I love it this way, cause I know I'll never hurt anyone and no one will ever hurt me. How I long for someone, anyone at all that I can really feel alive with, that can really make me feel like I'm not alone after all. But somehow I've always knew its not might for me, sigh... I was born to be alone I guess. Silence, thats all I ever know, thats all I ever seem to get all day. But than its alright I guess, I've always lived in a silent world, watching peoples' mouths move but never really hearing anything, giving a polite smile for every joke I didn't even hear, yups, I'm just the guy in the background thats just there. I've always walked around as if in a daze, cause its just so confusing wondering around alone I guess, talking to myself all the time, keeping myself occupied and entertained, arguing with myself on things, just me and myself, wonderful isn't it? Yet theres no one I can blame, thats nothing that can be done, I'll just have to accept my fate as the lonely man who'll probably live on quietly by himself till the day he dies yup. I try to drag myself out of it, I try to tell myself I have friends that care, yet somehow it doesn't seem enough, may be I expect too much, may be I give too much so I believe in such high standards, or may be I shouldn't even bother about it anymore. And whenever I feel like I've really crawled out, I find myself jumping in again, I love the pain, I love the hurt, somehow I've started to love the feeling of being alone, cause I guess it's one of the only things that were really always there for me? I'm comfortable with crying my heart out, with wanting to rip it out and end this all, just end this lonely existence and leave it all behind, and as weird as it seems I like that feeling. I like this self-destructive mood, I wanna see how deep I can sink in, how far I can go before I totally lose it. In fact I wanna lose it, I wanna just go mad and kill myself or something as morbid as it sounds. Oh well, I hope theres still hope for me.