On Damn

Oh DAMMIT, I let it stay in my mind too long now I can't get it out, the feeling like you've been abandoned by everyone you call a 'friend' and yeah, just feel down in the dumps. I don't know, am I too demanding in relationships? Is it so I can't accept that I can only occasionally meet up with friends on Sunday, and frankly speaking only talk to them in person (phone included) on Sundays also? And like well, nobody seems to really know when I'm feeling down, I guess can't really blame them when I never get to talk to them yeah. But I can't really do anything about it when people are busy, or like I don't know, I've drifted from everyone already. Now I can't think of anyone I could call a close friend, I can't think of anyone I could actually share stuff with and actually feel like yeah, the person did actually listen and try to help me out and make me feel better, but nopes, now if I do share anything with anyone its only a bit, cause I get the feeling they don't really wanna know too much. Maybe cause its happening to much, and people are getting a little irritated with hearing the same thing over and over again, I wouldn't blame them, honestly I'd hate myself if I was someone else. Sigh... I can't seem to really find anymore good listening ears, if I've known any I've probably made even them irritated with all my nonsense. I guess I just have to live with it... thank goodness for my blog, my only way to express my feelings and thoughts with no worries I'm like putting people off and stuff, cause yeah, I think I've more or less chased people away from this blog already probably only 2 or 3 people bother to come here once in awhile. And you would think knowing that would be some consolation but *shrug* it doesn't really make a difference, this blog is more or less my personal diary, and yeah, I have A LOT of negative emotions I have to vent out, cause well, theres no other way to let it out for me. This transparency can really kill people, feeling like everyone is just looking through you and yeah, you just don't exist. I don't know, I guess it has done one good for me, and that is I wanna be a singer next time, to write songs for the lonely, for people like me who don't really have friends, just some 'nice' people they've met who'll say hi every once in awhile when they see them. Friendships are so superficial nowadays, no one wants to know what you're going through and all that, everyone just wants people to hear their story and know how miserable their life is. And yes I know its ironic cause thats what I'm doing too, well I guess cause I'm tired of just listening already. Its nice to see people happy and stuff after they tell you things and they know you're actually listening but well, I do want people to really listen to me too. Gosh I'm becoming such a cynic, first I don't believe in romance and love, now I'm starting to doubt friendshipd crap, this is really not going well, I needa find a real friend and find one fast =l And I'm really sorry if all this nonsense hurts anyone, but honestly, I'm feeling very lonely and friendless at the moment I hope you understand. I don't mean to be angry or upset with any of you nice people who still bother to read all my rubbish really, its just I don't like people in general yeah. Guess I becoming a cynical anti-social huh, man I really gotta watch it.