More Thoughts

Hm... you know come to think about it I'm very happy I started blogging, its my only means of letting the things inside out, its the only thing I can turn to when I'm feeling lousy and theres just no one to talk to. Haha, and it makes it even better that people don't really read all this trash, its just my release, my only way of voicing out all the pain and hurt I feel inside, and yeah, people don't need to know about that. And I don't want any sympathy, anything that comes from people reading this I wouldn't really like, cause honestly its just pity, and I don't want pity, I want people to understand but I don't know how to tell them, I wanna talk to people but I know I'm too much of a nuisance, I'm too caught up in my mood to listen, so be it, I'm slowly trying to find my way back to how I was, when it was me and only me, didn't really matter if other people cared or not cause it is my life and only I can look out for myself. Yeah it sounds like a selfish sad life, but its a lot better than being open to so much pain for no particular reason, simply because I want to know I matter to the people who matter to me, to know that they are really there for me, but thats really asking to much of people. Its so sad that this is all loving others has brought me, opening up only made it easier for me to be hurt, believing I could find true love only blinded my judgement to the obvious, haha, why on earth did I start believing again? I need to go back to being the cynic I was, as quiet as life was it didn't matter to me if people cared, it didn't matter that I was a nobody to everybody, it only mattered that I was alive and able to do the things I want. Yups, I gotta start thinking about myself already, as selfish as it sounds. I tried to live a life for others, I tried to always be there, but it can't be helped if people are to busy for you and well, they just don't wanna open up to you yeah? I guess I'm just not cut out for it, now I gotta think for myself and repair all the damage that was caused, and start learning to live alone again.