So Unpredictable

I am oh so unpredictable, impossible to guess emotionally. Maybe cause I'm so numbed by everything I can control my own emotions, and nothing really takes me by surprise anymore. Human love is so infutile, what's the point of everyone chasing this illusion? What people call love today is a sick twisted meaningless hunt to make themselves feel whole again, a void searching for another void to fill itself up with. It's lost all it's innocence, all it's purity, and become and silly excuse for a reason to exist. I wonder how many people out there like me still try to believe in real love and hold on to it. People like me who just get used and hurt by other people, but still refuse to blame anyone for it. People who still believe in pure love, and have absolute faith and trust for those they love. A part of me still believes it, but a bigger part of me is telling me to give up. Such love can't exist anymore, replaced by commercialized, self-centred meaningless 'love'. The kind of 'love' I'd gladly give up on, and until someone proves to me real love can happen, I'll never try again. Until God makes love happen, I will give up on this 'love'.

On the outside I look alright, in fact sometimes I do feel alright. But it's not because everything's okay, it's because I choose to feel that way. What are emotions? When you've experienced so much extremes like I have, you just become numbed to it. I can't cry anymore. And it's not because I don't want to but I can't. I want to cry, I want to let it out, but somehow it isn't really there and I just can't shed a tear. It doesn't matter anymore, I don't really care already, it's all just meaningless, meaningless emotions. I get flashes of anger, of happiness and wonder, but it all fades in the end, it all means nothing. All I'm really left with is a persistant tinge of sadness, part of my love for the melodramatic. I am sad because I choose to be, because I love it, gives me feelings more powerful than anything 'love' could give and makes me feel alive. This is really an unhealthy obsession, and it really is up to me, because I can make myself stop this nonsense if I want to, God please give me a reason to stop it.

And I really do feel like leaving CMC, or at least leaving youth min already. I've toiled and worked hard in youth min but look where it is now? Nowhere, not even close to what it should. It's so fake, there's no love and everyone is so selfish. I feel like God is just gonna pass them by already cause He's had enough of this nonsense, I know I have. But all the same I feel that He want's to give them a last chance too, and I really want to do it, I really am trying to. But it's so hard when what you'll worked so hard for ends up hurting you more than anything, and it feels like you're just slaving and toiling for nothing. When will youth min wake up, when will they really start to love?

You can see from what I've said so far love is a real big issue for me, and now more than ever it really hits me. This world has twisted it so drastically to suit it's own desires, and nothing is going to change until we make it right again. God is love, and nothing is going to happen until we let true love show. It is the spark to change the world, it is the start of better things, yet it is the one thing people lack the most. I am trying, really trying to bring the hope of real love to this world, and God knows I can't do it by myself, so I am praying, praying for strength to carry on cause it just gets so tiring. But I know I can't give up, I can't go back to what I used to be. There was no turning back the moment I chose this path, the moment I gave up my whole existence to God. And somewhere along the road I chose to give up on relationships and be God's only, something I feel a bit of regret for yet what's done is done. Even though some part of me believes I can still find true love, I have already decided to give up this meaningless search, to just let go. And that's why I feel so empty, that's why I'm feeling numb again. I've been trying to find love, trying to find another way to live, but it's impossible when you've given up everything to God already, nothing can ever fill up the hole that God already filled up, and making it empty again just means another silly chase back to square one, ending right where I started it. This is the life I chose and there's no backing out, nothing can ever change it and I have to find my way back again.




With faith like a child.

Back =)

Haha, man I haven't done a proper posting in AGES. So yeah, here I am back again, like I've had quite a long break and had plenty of time to do this earlier but well, got lazy =P So here I am finally getting down to doing a proper post yup yup, I don't know why I just don't like the feeling of just leaving my blog alone for such a long time haha. So yups, it's all revamped and stuff again, although like I'm thinking about changing stuff again, kinda more in a groovin' mood now haha.

So anyways, I guess things really are quite cool now. Like camp is really kinda fun and VERY slack haha, so yeah, no complains about that. Have quite a few good pals there to which yeah, just makes it great. As for other stuff hm... like I really haven't been going to church for a LONG time cause of weekend duties, so yeah, really glad to be able to go later on. And yesterday's Planetshakers concert was great! Was nice being with church people again. And gosh, the message was kinda cool, like could relate with my current situation so yeah, was good =) I really have to say God has blessed me A LOT, it's just beyond what I could expect and even beyond what I know, Like i think there's a lot more that's going on that I just don't know about. So yeah, it's good to be back home for awhile, really am glad to see everyone again =)



With faith like a child.