Honour And Intergrity

Artist: Staple
Title: Honour And Intergrity

I've said all my "Hail Mary's" and I've recited all the right prayers.
I've done a lot in the name of God to gain this solace from your stares.
So break bread as I take unholy communion once more.
As righteous as filthy rags bleeding on the floor.
I'm sitting ripe, sitting fresh in my mire.
Behold the poison untold.
I've tried to show the world just how great a man can be,
but this great man I've charaded is the farthest thing from me.
The man that I've shown is a man I don't know.

So shall it be: Sown lies shall reap.
Honour has died with integrity.

What can I say?
That I've lived what I've told?
They bought me, but I hate the manner through which I was sold.
I know exactly what to do, I know exactly what to say, I believe every word
it's just so hard to obey: Trojan horse lies filled with big butterflies and they bought me.
They took the bait.
Hook, line and false, flaky, dimple-creased smile.
Sit back and enjoy the show!
I'll have you hooked too, in just a little while.

So shall it be: Sown lies shall reap.
Honour has died with integrity.

I've lived all these lies.
No more compromising.
I know what to do.
I know what to say.
I believe every word; it's just so hard to obey!
I know what I've created - this mess that shadows me - it leaves my conscience tainted!
I want authenticity, integrity.
Jesus, forgive me.

So shall it be: Sown lies shall reap.
Honor has died with integrity.
My honour has died with my integrity.

Deteriorate

Artist: Demon Hunter
Title: Deteriorate

Time has had its way with me
My broken, tired hands can't build a thing
The wires that have held me still
Embedded now in flesh, define my will
The idle of my days has won
The empty I have fed has made me numb
Despite what you will find in me
The failures of my past still swell beneath

(Pre-chorus:)
I need a heart that carries on through the pain
When the walls start collapsing again
Give me a soul that never ceases to follow
Despite the infection within

(Chorus:)
Our careless feet leaving trails
Never minding the fragile dirt that we all end in

This is where I find my fall
The cares that held me life don't work at all
And every step away from here
Is closer to the plague I hold so dear

Awaiting my end
Breathing in the day that finds me new
Redemption begins
Bleeding out the flaws in place of you

(Chorus)

The Mess That Is Me

This is so not a good time for me to go to camp. Its too late now. I can't back out, all I can do is try my best. Try to hold off a full blown breakdown, I know its coming its only a matter of when, and I really wanna hold it off until after camp. Then I can cry all I want, as long as I want and wallow in my self-pity. Yup I'm pathetic, but I love being sad, I love that shape pain you feel in your heart that is just so painful, I love it. I love to feel hurt, I love to cry, if I'm suffering from depression I honestly love it. But then I'm not sucidal, so I guess I'm okay. And theres nothing anyone can really do about it, sorry if it worries anyone but theres really nothing anyone can do for me now. How screwed up can a kid like me get uh? Well I guess theres no helping me when its always been like that, since way back whatever I can remember, yeah I had a pretty screwed up childhood, and a pretty screwed up teenage life. From beginning to now it was just me, myself and I, I never relied on anyone, there was never really anyone there for me in the first place. All those nights of crying, of hurting, and there really wasn't anyone who could really do anything for me. How God got me through that I honestly don't know, how He's gonna do it again now is way beyond me. But somehow its gonna be okay, thats the way it is isn't it? So yups, everyone, just ignore me and yeah, take comfort that somehow, everything will just be okay by itself, honestly nothing to worry about, I'm mostly invisible anyway, doesn't really matter does it?

Whatever Really

I'm tired. Really tired. Like when I go out I get giddy easily, I can't see clearly and yeah, I'm just tired. And also, I'm tired of tagging along, of following people, watching myself listening to people talk about things I don't understand and trying to laugh at it. Tired of watching clicks having fun and talking and laughing, doing things I know I'll never have. I'm glad I chose to walk away from it all today, to just 'drive away' instead of staying and letting the life in me slowly drain away. Its all good, I've accepted this is the way its meant to be, yeah, I'm suppose to be alone, never to fit in with anyone. And its cool, its just the way I am, I'm not gonna change myself for other people, and I'm not gonna beg, or ask people to try and talk to me. I just don't click with anyone and I wouldn't force the issue. So yeah, whatever, it doesn't really matter anymore.

Time To Pick The Pieces Up

Yup, I've allowed myself enough time to mope and feel sorry for myself, time to pick myself up and get ready for camp. Haha I guess it is kinda good I have these things to do, cause it forces me to refocus and get back on track. Feeling a lil better now, should be okay by thursday =) So today will be for recovery, tomorrow to psyche myself and yeah, I'll be ready to go to high overdrive on thursday all the way to sunday =D I guess God really is good, have a good group, like most of the people I wanted are in it haha. Amazing, its like I didn't exactly pray about it, and yeah I got em. I've been getting quite a bit of stuff I want lately and it kinda makes me feel a bit lousy, cause I've been so totally screwed up I really don't deserve any of it. Its just so weird so yeah, I gotta pick myself up and get everything in motion, thursday here I come!




Picking up the pieces and knowing all will be fine,
With faith like a child.

Argh...

Man... don't know why but been feeling giddy a lot lately and getting headaches. Its not like I don't get enough sleep, I sleep quite a lot actually but I just feel so tired, and my head just goes a bit blank and giddy. Maybe I'm thinking too much and its straining me too much, I don't know I better go rest now, take a nap or something. Someone just shoot a bullet through my head and spare me these killer headaches man...

Tired

I'm tired. Strange I'm saying this after taking a holiday, and I did feel better during it, I come back and WHAM! I feel weighted down again. I don't know, I guess during the holiday although I was physically tired, mentally I was free, when I come back I'm mentally tired and yeah, just makes me feel tired in general. I was so tired I actually fell asleep while crying last night gosh, thats how tired I am. And camp is coming soon, great. I'm in no condition to be a GL now, emotionally I'm very fragile and yeah, really just a wreck inside. Actually I feel like I shouldn't do anything in church at all for the moment, cause I'm just so messed up. I just want a break, to just drive away.

I was irritated with myself this morning, wasn't in a very good mood and too tired to really play well, and I get upset when I know I'm not giving my best for God. And yeah, its like I say okay, I'll set aside the whole of worship to really just give it my best and put everything else aside, no matter how screwed up everything is. But I couldn't really maintain it, I was too tired, I just didn't think I should be there today.

And I really am struggling with my weird liking of depression, I like to be sad I just can't explain it. I like the feeling of having my heart cut and covered in open wounds, I like to cry my eyes out till my eyes are sore, and I really don't understand why. But I know I can't let that happen, not now, I have too much to do now. Maybe it's what I'm familiar with, it's what gives me a little comfort, honestly I don't know. All I know is I like it, and its just so hard to push away. I'd choose to be alone and suffer in silence over going out with people, althought I do still suffer when I'm out with people but its just not so obvious.

I guess I kind of hide my feelings, I don't know, I honestly don't want people to have to get all caught up with my problems. I don't want to go looking for attention, I don't want people to make a big fuss about me. I used to want people to at least care a bit but now it doesn't really make any difference. Its my own problems and yeah, I'll just have to sort it out myself.

I guess this is part of life isn't it, all the struggling and suffering, and I guess its good i've kind of accepted it right? Maybe liking pain isn't such a bad thing.




Struggling just to hold on,
With faith like a child.

Tonight I'll Shed Some Tears

I feel like crying tonight. I like that feeling, the pain inside, the hurt, its strange but I like it. Guess it makes me feel alive, fills up the emptiness loneliness brings. Theres nothing anyone can really do now. This is the path I have to take and I have to walk it alone.

I Want To Just Drive Away

Artist: The Juliana Theory
Title: Leave Like A Ghost (Drive Away)

It's a ghost town baby,
It will drive you crazy,
When you rely on all your friends.
I see people sucked in,
There's no way to stop them,
From becoming walking dead.
You're still living,
But barely breathing,
Get out while you can.

Just drive away,
'Cause no one here will save you.
Drive away and don't look back,
You're gone.

It's a ghost town, sister,
I've seen your dreams wither,
And that's what's giving me the creeps.
Spend your whole life waiting,
In a town that's fading,
It's a never ending sleep.
You're still breathing,
Barely breathing,
Get out while you can.

Just drive away,
'Cause no one here will save you.
Drive away and don't look back.
Just drive away,
'Cause nothing here will change you
Drive away and don't look back.

Cause it's so alone here,
We drink all alone here,
Nobody feels like we feel like we do.
We're all alone here,
We'll die all alone here.
No one, yeah, nobody feels like we feel like we do.
Like we do.

Just drive away,
'Cause no one here will save.
Drive away and don't look back.
Just drive away,
'Cause no one here will save you.
Drive away and don't look back.
Just drive away,
'Cause nothing here will change you.
Drive away and don't look back.

(Drive away, drive away-ay-ay-ay) [x4]

You're still breathing,
Barely breathing,
Get out while you can.





Sometimes I wish I really could just drive away... get away from everything. I don't really have friends. Don't really have anyone to hang out with, no clicks no nothing I'm usually just tagging along. And I am getting tired of it, I wouldn't tag along anymore if I don't have to. And I guess the song is kinda true, should never rely on friends cause its just another dead end. I miss Hong Kong, it felt good to just not bother about anything, not care about anyone and yeah talk to new people and stuff. The people there seem friendlier, I don't feel so invisible over there, but well I'm stuck here, for the moment that is. Maybe someday I'll find the balance to live life alone, cause its the only way for people like me to live.




Still trying,
With faith like a child.

Back From Hong Kong!

Haha I'm back from Hong Kong! Yups, reached back yesterday, but wasn't really in a blogging mood then =P Well I guess I'm more or less settled now so yeah, posting again =D Well I must say Hong Kong is really a nice place, quite clean and stuff, and the weather NICE, its like natural air-con over there! Food is good yeah! Strangely enough I didn't really gain any weight that sucks, I'm way too skinny =l Haha shopping wise got new pair of shoes, a couple of jeans, yeah quite good shopping really, pity it was like mostly selling winter wear so couldn't buy too much.

Well might as well tell you guys what I did for each day. For the first day Sunday, went for some night tour thingy. Like went up a mountain on Hong Kong island and yeah, looked round and stuff. Like saw a few celebs' houses, but its not really that big a deal =P Then took a boat ride back to Kowloon and had an open-top bus ride around the town, which was great =D Like they have so many sign boards all over the place and it looks nice really. Then on monday, went for another tour but this one was more sucky, like visited crappy places nothing really worth mentioning. had dinner with my dad's friends on tuesday night, at some really classy place haha man, felt weird =P Then on wednesday night was off to visit my mum's friend's grandma (I think). Yes grandma, I think its cause they married really early there last time? But yeah then we had dinner with a brother of my mum's friend. All the times in between was spend eating or shopping, so yeah, was great =D Well thats about all I guess, haha, yeah, was a good holiday but its nice to be back =)




With faith like a child.

I'll Be Away

Okay this is very important I'll be away from tomorrow onwards and will only be back on Thursday. Yes, so please don't look for me or anything, if you do want to today is the only day you can haha. Feel weird to have to miss church again, its like been missing it so much lately =s And like I'll miss quite a bit of other stuff too oh well. Anyways yups, thats about it, when I come back it'll be my misadventures in Hong Kong! Haha actually I think it'll be more of a shopping trip in Hong Kong kind of thingy =P





With faith like a child.

Is It Me, Or Does It Just Get Quieter Whenever I'm Around?

Weird how I seem to have this strange ability to make people quiet. Just seems like silence follows me wherever I go hm... And the all too familiar feeling of loneliness really doesn't hurt anymore, I guess thats good? I don't know, I like it sometimes really, being alone, and I don't really seem to hate it anymore. Maybe I've finally accepted that yeah, I was meant to be lonely and I'm finally able to live with it, I hope its like that anyway.





Still lost out at sea but not giving up,
With faith like a child.

A Not So Good Sunday (Well Thats Something New)

This sunday wasn't exactly a very good one, oh well. Like it doesn't really bother me, but it amuses me when I realize that yeah I've drifted from everyone. Don't really know how to explain it, I just can't talk to anyone anymore, and I never really felt like I really clicked with anyone. If I do it doesn't really last long, after awhile it just seems to fade yeah. But its okay, at least nowadays I don't make myself follow people around in hopes of like actually talking to people and stuff. Helps me save a lotta time that would really be wasted just waiting and watching other people. Yeah, I guess I'm always the person on the outside looking in, but its pretty much alright really.

Well enough of that, with all my extra time I was just thinking about stuff, and yeah, I kinda figured out why I like emo music, and why The Juliana Theory means so much to me. I love the theatricals, the raw emotions and feelings of emo music. Thats not to say I'm a very drama person, but yeah, I like the tradegies, I like the sad endings, I like all the extremes. And The Juliana Theory in particular was one of the bands that helped me along in my tough times. Its my shout and scream, headbang away all the things inside me music, and the music just makes it so easy to just let it out.

And I realized I'm not a talk to people person. Honestly if people come to talk to me yeah, its nice, but it doesn't change anything. Its more a case of I want people to care not listen, cause listening is easy (or at least to me). I guess when you think you know so much about something it doesn't really work on yourself anymore uh. But then again I've always gotten out of my situations alone with God, granted its a heck of a longer process and it hurts like crap. Strange how knowing I don't really have many friends doesn't affect me anymore. It used to matter so much, now I don't really care that much.

Guess its just another small black cloud in my life again, the rainbows never seem to last very long and the sun doesn't shine as often as it should but oh well, thats life.





Struggling yet again but pressing on,
With faith like a child.

My Emo Roots

Artist: The Juliana Theory
Song: If I Told You This Was Killing Me

watch your mouth
hold your toungue boy
because you're running out of breath
running out of time
before every careless word that you utter
renders you utterly useless
now you're drowning in your own saliva
trying to speak yourself to the top of your empty world
well keep on talking
just keep on rambling
you've got your mouth full

now listen here's the pleasant part
you and i we fell apart
why can't you make up your mind

shut your mouth
burn your bridges
throw your words like an attack
stab me in the
wait a second what's that
i just heard
nevermind it's obviously useless
now you're standing on your soapbox
yelling from the rooftops
everything you say is a lie

now listen here's the clever one
who speaks before his thoughts are done
why can't you make up your mind

watch your mouth
hold your tongue
some things are better left unsaid
now i hope you're pleased
you let your pride stand tall
it danced within your words, right before your fall
why don't you say that to my face
if i told you this was killing me would you stop?







I finally got this song again haha, kinda lost it I think I forgot to burn it on a CD last time but yups! I found it again! Its one of my favourite songs, taken from one of my all-time favourite albums haha. Its the Emotion Is Dead album by The Juliana Theory, and it was my first step into Emo music! So yeah, it remains a very important part of my history haha. Not to mention it was during one of my tough periods that I was listening to it, and in a way it did help me a lot yeah =)

Anyways that aside, been quite an interesting week yups, I'm glad I went for revival service! It was wonderful, thank you Jon! Really encouraged me =) Yup, I'm gonna dream big and do big things for God yeah! But all in due time haha, I still have sooooo much to learn =P And my nonsense stomach keeps acting up and getting alright, like just so unstable =l But I'm going church this week DEFINATELY, I'll never miss two weeks in a row, and it'd be three weeks if I did miss tomorrow (or later if you wanna be picky about details) cause I wouldn't be around next week =P So yeah, hm... just a short update for now haha, if anything pops up to mind again I'll be back! =P




With faith like a child.

Things Will Get Better Somehow, It Always Does

Yet another day of nothing much haha, but am feeling slightly better, thanks Aud for trying to cheer me up, appreciate it =) Hoping I get a lot better yup, this nonsense really isn't doing any good how irritating. Its all happening again hardening up gotta break it down somehow yeah.




With faith like a child.

Am I Suffering In Silence? Does It Really Matter?

Really don't know what's going on anymore, don't really care much either. Just quiet, everyday just passes by the way it starts out, in silence. Not that it really bothers me anyway, don't particularly feel anything at the moment, or think anything for that matter. Guess I've finally gone numb to loneliness? Which may be good and bad, I don't know, doesn't seem to really matter anymore. Oh well, back to my life, back to the silence.




Trying to get through this thunderstorm,
With faith like a child.