=)

Oh great, the website that hosted my tag board just disappear, wonderful, oh well, no one really tags it anyway so its okay =P Hm... after 3 nights of Sonicfest I feel a lil weird, like drats theres no crazy worship tonight (thats not saying I wouldn't have my own private one lol). Today was hm... okay I guess, I'm so excited! Like me and kevin are gonna plan to have worship night, of cause its not concrete yet, still have stuff to sort out to see if its possible, but its so exciting! Of cause I think kevin will play a bigger role, cause yeah, he really really wants it and I think he has what it takes to really do it! I'm just here to help, and yeah I'm really excited about it too, especially seeing kevin want to take up a sort of leadership role, really encouraging, and I think its time I started doing stuff too lol, thats why I've kinda decided yeah, I wanna do worship leading eventually and who knows what else! Cause ya know it has always been in my heart that one day I'd see people in church really praising God and having fun like in those concerts, and I don't know, I feel that may be God can use me to do that, and yeah, hopefully one day I can write songs of my own, I have like LOADS of ideas in my head just don't have the technical ability to put it on paper and stuff yet, one day! One day I'll be leading a great worship, which was only possible by God, and which will really draw people close to him yeah! And I'll be part of the next Hillsongs and whatever else, I'm really praying thats what Godrockers will grow up to be, a vabriant music ministry that really rocks hard for God, for the people for the glory of God =) I know exciting things are in stall, and I'll be praying, and I hope everyone else prays too!

Hopeless

I guess what my mom always says about me is true, I'm hopeless, useless, good for nothing and I only know how to waste things yeah. Its true, and I honestly wish it wasn't like that, but I'm just such a failure nothing I do is really gonna change that. Just waiting for the day I die really, then my parents will be rid of me and everything will be fine, no one will really miss me cause I never really had many friends, only a couple of people who talk to me every once in awhile if they happen to see me online yeah. But bet it wouldn't make a difference if they don't see me online anymore, they probably wouldn't really notice. Oh well, its just as well, that way I'm ready to go anytime which is good isn't it? Really isn't anything left for me here, I'm never gonna get married, definately never gonna fall in love again and all that crap, had enough hell in this life I prefer not to have more things to hate about it, so that means no need to think of supporting a family next time too. Yeah, I'll just be living alone rotting away with no friends or social life to speak off, man I really hope I die young.

Sigh..

Sigh... my sundays really aren't the same anymore... like during sermon just sat there, and although was with paul still felt like yeah, I was sitting alone, just wasting away. And playing for super sunday just felt so weird, just didn't feel right, was the same for worship during service, couldn't open my mouth to sing, couldn't really worship, everything just felt so wrong. But what surprises me the most is I didn't feel a thing for the whole of today, its like I've sucessfully killed off emotions in me, and just switched off my brain, didn't think about anything for the whole of today, and it felt good. It felt good to not feel or think anymore, and it didn't exactly feel empty either. I'm like lost in my own world, my own world of music yeah, and I think I can finally live without other people, like yeah, I'm finally learning to live alone. Soon I'm gonna go watch a movie alone, which is one more step towards independence from friends haha, well I can't do anything about it since no one is ever free to catch a movie with me. What can I do? =P And I find the longer periods of times with less or no converstations actually makes it easier, I don't miss talking to people that much anymore, I don't miss not seeing people so much anymore, yeah, I can finally have nothing to miss and feel miserable about not seeing anymore =D And I just LOVE music, really its my escape, my other world away from here, where I can just be alive, feel all the wonderful things again without any worry of getting hurt. Oh and thanks jh for being there for me, *hugs* really appreicate you trying to cheer me up and stuff, but I don't know just feel like I've kinda forgotten how to really laugh and stuff haha, hopefully I'll get it back soon yups.

Sick Again

Oh crap now I'm sick, been getting sick real easily lately, oh well, completely lost my appetite, actually eating less now (which seems quite impossible cause I hardly eat already as it is). Yups, other then that, boring day, hope I get well soon cause its hard to sleep with this horrible sore throat, and I really do need sleep sigh.

Cool

Wow, just realized how little I've talked lately, like practically haven't had a proper conversation for weeks already. Which is quite okay with me haha, I'm quite a anti-social person nowadays, its all just me and my guitar =D Although sadly, I've practiced till my finger tips like have holes in them and the skin is all just coming off so hm... getting a lil painful but still okay, I can't go one day without my guitar haha =P Thats about all really, beginning to enjoy being alone more, hm... think I'll even get to like it, like its quiet and don't have to worry about other people, cause well, what I don't know wouldn't bother me haha, so yups, just enjoying my quiet little life =)

ZZzzz...

Another boring day comes and goes, another day wasted, one step closer to the day I die =D Well it isn't much of a life, but I guess its all good, I'd make a great emo singer, cause I have all the experience to back me up haha =P Man I love music, really just brings me to another world, so unreal yet so wonderful, yups, its gonna be what I live for, spending my life making wonderful music. And no pathetic sappy love songs, no unrealistic songs of how wonderful things are and all that crap, just real, down-to-earth songs of how dark and cruel everything is yeah. Because for people like me real life is all about suffering isn't it? And love is really just a dream, unrealistic lies to deceive the mind and only delay the ultimate heartbreak, the moment where you give up on everything altogether and give in to just being cold. The only thing that excites me everyday is knowing I'm actually one day closer to dying, and hopefully it comes sooner than later, gosh I hope I die a spectacular death =D I bet the next time I'm really happy and am smiling for real will be that day haha, I think its a nice thing don't you? Dying happy with a smile on your face =D But for now I'll just have to 'live on' yups, till the day I finally leave this place of darkness, of pain and lies, till the day I am free and I give my final smile of joy, I will be waiting...

More Thoughts

Hm... you know come to think about it I'm very happy I started blogging, its my only means of letting the things inside out, its the only thing I can turn to when I'm feeling lousy and theres just no one to talk to. Haha, and it makes it even better that people don't really read all this trash, its just my release, my only way of voicing out all the pain and hurt I feel inside, and yeah, people don't need to know about that. And I don't want any sympathy, anything that comes from people reading this I wouldn't really like, cause honestly its just pity, and I don't want pity, I want people to understand but I don't know how to tell them, I wanna talk to people but I know I'm too much of a nuisance, I'm too caught up in my mood to listen, so be it, I'm slowly trying to find my way back to how I was, when it was me and only me, didn't really matter if other people cared or not cause it is my life and only I can look out for myself. Yeah it sounds like a selfish sad life, but its a lot better than being open to so much pain for no particular reason, simply because I want to know I matter to the people who matter to me, to know that they are really there for me, but thats really asking to much of people. Its so sad that this is all loving others has brought me, opening up only made it easier for me to be hurt, believing I could find true love only blinded my judgement to the obvious, haha, why on earth did I start believing again? I need to go back to being the cynic I was, as quiet as life was it didn't matter to me if people cared, it didn't matter that I was a nobody to everybody, it only mattered that I was alive and able to do the things I want. Yups, I gotta start thinking about myself already, as selfish as it sounds. I tried to live a life for others, I tried to always be there, but it can't be helped if people are to busy for you and well, they just don't wanna open up to you yeah? I guess I'm just not cut out for it, now I gotta think for myself and repair all the damage that was caused, and start learning to live alone again.

Another Boring Sunday

*Yawn* Sundays just aren't what they use to be anymore, it used to be the day I looked forward to most but *shrug* now its just another lonely day. Sat alone in service today, couldn't even open my mouth to sing anything, just couldn't do it. Then I sat through the rest of service and went home alone like I always do. I think i can never really smile again, seems too hard to, and I don't think I wanna feel again, just felt so cold today, didn't really matter what was happening around me cause yeah, honestly it all doesn't really concern me much, think I'll close up a bit more. Haha funny how all I wanted was for someone who could always be there for me, I guess thats asking for too much? I guess depending on people for support is another stupid idea I should have just avoided, yeah I didn't have many happy moments when I was closed up but I definately didn't have as many really sad moments compared to now. I guess its true the people you love the most can hurt you the most, so I guess its best not to love at all huh? Haha oh well, being cold isn't as bad as people make it out to be so yeah, cold and lonely it is, much better than emotional and in pain all the time haha =P

Sigh...

Oh crap, I know I said no ranting for today, but I really can't help it... Its hard when you have no one to turn to, and all you can do is put in on your blog, haha, sad little pathetic thing I am. Its just so sad, when you're all alone, and you wish you had people to turn to but ya know, you're just one heck of a screwed up kid who wants to bother about you? And you just feel so alone, so very alone, and your heart is always cold, just like your thoughts are always dark, theres just no reason to live. I'm so close to wanting to kill myself, I can't take it anymore, but I know I can't... I have to 'live on' or so to speak, if I can call it living. Why does death seem so much better than life? Why is it all the wonderful things in life don't seem so wonderful to me? I don't know, sigh... this digusting sick cycle better end soon by any means, or I may really think of doing something permanent.

Young And Depressed

Young And Depressed by MXPX

You’ve got so many problems
No one else thinks you can solve them
Where did the time go
Everybody wants to know
Life goes on day after day after day
Too much work and no play

When life seems like it cant get any harder
When you feel like a martyr
When you’ve lost all control
That's when you’ve let the whole world know

You’re young and depressed
With no future in this loneliness
You’re young and depressed
But you’re pretty well dressed
Yeah you’re pretty well dressed

I know that you’ve been hurting
So much has led up to this
Your eyes are burning
Hard times make the heart agree
That's all that you want is to follow your dreams
They all fall apart at the seams

Discontentment turns to anger turning sour every lonely hour
Yeah depression
Failed relations turn over a new leaf will it be a four leaf clover?
Yeah obsession yeah depression yeah






Yups, I'm young and depressed haha, lonely lonely lonely, ZZzzz... everyday lonely. But I guess its quite nice, sure is very quiet and don't get bothered much yeah. Oh well, thank goodness Deb's been free lately, yeah, if not I'd be totally nuts and gosh, I wouldn't know what I'll do, but like she's gonna be busy again so yups, brace yourself cause I'll be getting into darker moods (haha, like it can actually get darker?) and yeah, I'll probably start ranting A LOT again. I think its getting to my health, puking and stuff gosh, so screwed up oh well, thats me in a nut shell, screwed up haha yups. Well good news for all of you people who actually read this, don't really feel in the mood to go on and on about how much I hate myself, my life, and everything else related, so yeah, thats all for today =P

More Ranting Again

Am I some psycho-depresso kid or something? I have a tendency to think darker thoughts, and I seem to fall into my darker moods more easily. I don't know, I still haven't found much reason to live yet, so yeah, theres that so I honestly don't know what I'm doing here. And hm... I don't know, been trying to stop myself from feeling lonely by doing stuff but haha, it just makes the stuff I do so empty, I'm a people person with no people around, the irony. Oh well, maybe someday I'll get to know more people, make some really good friends and stuff, if I don't I hope I die early, haha although it looks like its gonna happen I really hope I don't have to spend my whole life alone, but we can't get the things we want most of the time isn't it? So I'm hoping at least for a early death, cause everything here is just a waste of time. Rush rush rush, and all this rushing is for what? Study study study, study so hard for what purpose? For money? For a better life? Haha, honestly is there purpose in all of these? Do people really feel happy after getting rich and all that? I wish I could still find some reason to be here, but it just seems like one prolonged journey of pain and suffering, people just going round in circles trying to look for happiness and all that haha. I'll just sit back and watch thank you, no game of charades for me, no chasing things that have no real meaning, call me cynical but friends don't really seem to matter that much too. And love haha, I don't even have to go there, its all feelings, nice things yeah, but then there are bad feelings too, so yeah hm... what exactly are feelings? I think they just cloud peoples' minds, make people do stupid things, believe in silly things haha, yups, never liked feelings all that much, I think its the cold era for me, emotionless is the new me. Fake smiles and laughters to hide a empty shell inside, I'll let the masquerade go on for a while more, doesn't hurt anyone really, phoniness can be so easy sometimes. And no one will really know, they never got anywhere close to the inside of me anyway, and they'll never know anything was missing haha.







Incomplete Is A Leech by As Cities Burn

unless you can part my ribs like the sea
and make stone beat, then there's no hope for me

unless the east never meets the west
unless you set my sin between your shoulderblades
and forget

part my ribs like the sea and change me
'cause stone doesn't beat
and rock hearts don't pump anything
but I've grown not to mind because at least
stone doesn't sling like blood
or spill like guts across the floor
where the bloodsuckers want more and more and more







I wonder if theres still hope for me?

Hm...

Another boring day just went by yups. What did I do? Honestly, nothing. Yups, played games for awhile, stoned, napped, stoned somemore, hm... what else, oh yeah almost didn't eat but still eat a bit yups, I don't know I seem to have lost my appetite hm... Oh well, hopefully tomorrow will be a better day yups, time to go back to doing my own stuff quietly yups.









Serial Sleepers by House Of Heroes

Wake the dead.
Serial sleepers slay with words unsaid.
Sleep, with the light on.
And keep the loneliness away;
I feel the darkness anyway.
And I, wish for the dawn.
Rise up, O Sons of God,
and sing the song that hides behind your teeth.
These ears have longed to hear.
On my own.
Waiting for the light.
(Be still.)
Save our souls from all our dreams come true.

Yawn

*Yawn* I'm so bored, and when I'm bored I start to feel lonely. Haha, what can I say, it is true I am lonely, hardly go out and don't really have people to talk to. *Shrug* Oh well, I'm getting used to just living alone with God, and music of cause, people hm... I guess I can live without them, sad that even the people closest to me don't even know the things that matter to me most, don't even know what I need when I'm feeling down, but then its okay really, I can't expect people to read my mind right? =P So yup, its okay, I'm just waiting for the one God will send to me, who I'd be able to completely open up to and really depend on, till that day, God will be enough I guess, its all I really have anyway, in fact He's probably the only thing I'm gonna need all my life, so yeah, its okay if I end up single all my life =) Its what I've been prepared for anyway, cause honestly I don't see how anyone I would like would wanna be with me, a kid with an uncertain future, highly emotionally unstable and very erratic. Only a crazy gal would want someone like me right? =P And I don't know, sometimes I wonder why God made me the way I am, He's given me such a capacity to love, I really just wanna give and give and let people know I really love them, but its just not possible. Everyones so busy, everyones rushing around, I seem to be the only one who wants to sit back and do the things that really matter, to spend time on the things I really treasure and are important. But yeah, studies and stuff is important so its okay, I'll just be around if people need me, like I always do, its partially why I left school anyway, to have time off completely for friends, but its not a main reason mind you haha, just a small part of it. Oh well, I guess its one of the things all people who sacrifice almost everything for other people will face, when their sacrifices seem to be for nothing, and people don't really seem to appreciate it that much (I know they do, just I don't know, I guess I'm a person who really needs to be loved =P). I guess part of it is cause I've always been told yeah, people care and stuff, but for me actions speak louder then words, a hug does a thousand times better then a simple "take care", just being there means the world to me. Yups, I'm the sort that loves to spend quaility time with people and not just use words but actions to back the care and love I have for other people, and I really like it for myself, but oh well, I don't really expect people to know so yups its okay, and I don't really expect them to have to do so much for me, so yeah, no worries cause God can give me hugs everyday ^_^

Haha Silliness

Gosh God is amazing isn't He? Just a couple of days back I wanted to kill myself already, and now I'm like at the other extreme haha yay! Yups, I realize it doesn't really matter anymore, me being alone, I finally found who I am again. I was made to love !!! And thats the only thing that makes me happy, haha, so yeah, I've been hurt so much already and I'll continue to be hurt a thousand times more but I wouldn't let it hold me down forever, I'll just pick myself up and continue loving !!! Haha, yup yup, just can't believe how selfish I've been the past few weeks, always thinking about myself and how lonely I felt where there were people around me who needed me too. I promised myself that I'd be there for people no matter what and its one promise I intend to keep till the day I die. And silly me keeps falling for the wrong gals bleah. Over and over again and I just end up getting myself hurt, over and over again it just keeps happening but no matter !!! I'll still continue doing so, until I find the right one haha =x Yups, you can hurt me, abuse me, lie to me and cheat me but I'll just return it all with a smile and a thank you for helping me grow more from these things =) Its what God's love has done for me, its so complete, its what I want my love to be, my perfect model of how to love, so I'll just love and care for other people only wanting to see them happy, not asking for anything in return =) And yups, someday I'll find her and I'll love her to bits haha, and I don't care what you all say me and her are gonna be the happiest people on earth =P All the wonderful things I'll do for her, all you gals out there will be jealous =x










Love Lead Me On by The Afters

Someday I'm gonna go out to the country
I'll drive til the highway ends
Chasing after picture perfect sunsets
To take away my breath
I'm tired of living in the city
The world's got me tied on a string
Wanderlust has overcome me
Like Lewis and Clark I'll dream
There's a million different ways to go
Only God can know where I will call my home

Love lead me on
Where no one else has gone
Faith keep me strong
Love lead me on

The open road can be so lonely
I'm longing for someone to love
If I could share my new surroundings
Open the doors above
There's a million different ways to go
Only God can know where i will call my home

Love lead me on
Where no one else has gone
Faith keep me strong
Love lead me on
Faith keep me strong
Love lead me home

Back To My Quiet Life

Haha, I guess I just went one big round to end up where I was again. I can't have friends, as sad as that sounds, should have known from the start that the only things for me were God and music. Like haha, me having friends is a disaster waiting to happen, I don't know what got over me in thinking I could be like everyone else. How stupid of me to think people could understand how I feel or would really bother to try haha. I'm a loner, was born this way and will always be like this, so yups, I'm giving up on trying to have friends and everything else, and concentrating only on God and music, and thus, a new musician is born. Well thanks guys, it was nice while it lasted, back to the quiet lonely me cause I'm closing up already, haha but yeah you're welcome for small talk and stuff, just don't get to close yeah? =)

Sorry Everyone

I'm sorry everyone, but the me you used to know is dead. No more smiles, or laughter, no more joy for me, just emotionless cold new me. Yup, I know I'm losing my friends and stuff but oh well, I'm gonna just let go this time, what use are friends anyway? I'll just become a burden, and like friends have a tendency to not be around when you're at your lowest, not that its their fault mind you, its just that they have their own things to worry about and yeah, they can't always be there. And I don't know, I think I'll have to learn to live alone, so might as well get used to it right? Anyways just wanna say sorry guys, you've lost me, I've given up on everything already and the only thing left for me is to die, so yups, don't feel upset or anything if I don't seem to talk to you, its the same for everyone, I've died inside and laughter and all that has no more meaning for a dead person.

Tired

Honestly thats all I feel nowadays. Too tired for anything anymore, sigh... I just want to die, too tired of life already. Oh well, I wouldn't kill myself or anything so nothing to worry about, just praying I die young haha thats all, been my prayer everyday for a long time, hopefully it'll really happen? *Shrug* Oh well, I'll just continue going through the motions like a lifeless corpse haha, funny how I kinda have what I want already cause I am dead inside hm...