Just Some Thoughts

Hm... was just thinking a bit today. Like I always see people's msn nicks going like how love hurts and all that and you know, valentines isn't really that far away too so yeah I just started thinking about love and all that. I'm glad to say I've got to a point I no longer hold on to wanting to have someone you know, I honestly see nothing wrong with spending the rest of my life unattached. Because I am kind of 'attached' already, attached to God haha, so yeah, it honestly doesn't matter to me anymore, its really up to God if he wants to include one more person in our special relationship. That's what its all about isn't it? Its not just about finding your soulmate, and you know having someone who understands you, listens and talks to you. It's all about having a special relationship together with God, it's so much more meaningful that just having someone around. But yeah, I think that its not really for everyone you know. Some people may choose to just want the exclusive relationship with God and honestly I may be somewhere close to that haha. But I still have that lil romantic side of me that wishes to have someone to share all the wonderful things God has with me. Well at the end of the day, I'm gonna do what I always do, let God decide and just wait and see haha. Yeah, and you know sometimes I feel human love is so meaningless, I mean it could just end anyday and you wouldn't even be able to foresee it, but God's love thats totally different. Because we all know for a fact God's love never ceases, He can never stop loving us and well, His love is probably the only in the world that knows no limits. Just when you think God couldn't possibly love you more than He does WHAM! He can give you a double dose that just knocks you out and leaves you amazed. But well, I think for human relationships like there may be a peak but theres no way it can just keep increasing and maintaining can it? And I guess thats why I got some of the ideas I have for passion art, like you know when you see that there is no ultimate date/lover better than Jesus, everything just fits together nicely. So yeah, people out there who feel lonely, hang in there! Seek God, and you'll find you're not so lonely after all, there is still someone who's always there ;)




With faith like a child.

Sunday Is Over =(

Haha yeah... sunday is over =( Didn't really get to do much also, but well, I just like sundays =P Yesterday was good too yeah, I really enjoyed the seminars and sermons these past weeks its amazing, like God's really teaching me new things everyday and week haha. Yeah, and I think it's also partly because of something I read, in the book Salene got me for christmas it was like saying a good thing to do before you read the bible is to pray that the Holy Spirit will give new understanding of the scriptures, cause well the bible was created by people who were guided by the Holy Spirit so it stands to reason to understand it you need the Holy Spirit too right? So yeah, I've been making an effort to pray a short prayer for the Holy Spirit to open my eyes, ears, mind and heart to teach me more than I could with my own wisdom. And I've also been making an effort to pray and commit the things I am about to do to God, like all the passion art stuff I don't want to like sit down and try to force ideas out but just pray to God for inspiration and WOW, its amazing I'm having a flood of creativity haha =P And Salene yeahhhhh, I so totally feel it too, the be still thing you were talking about, and I've been trying to do it and see! God really is just letting things flow for me =D So yeah! Don't you worry gal! ^_^ Haha like I just came up with an idea for photography yesterday, really out of nowhere I think God like just planted it in my head haha, then this morning like WOW, so many more ideas just came to mind to expand on it and yeah! I think its going to be really cool haha =D

But I really have to say I really have been blessed the past few weeks, received really good word and I feel like yeah, I've really grown a lot in just the short time haha. Theres no doubt about it, this year is gonna be a big year for CMC! =D Yeah, theres just so much going on in church now and I'm really glad I tried to be around for everything. I like for quite some time I've been feeling very strongly about the unity of the church. And especially respecting and obeying the authorities God put above us yeah. I did some thinking and something struck me, people who say they want to be rebellious because the leadership is bad, etc... are they just rebelling against man? Because ultimately the only person in charge is God, so yeah, if people want to rebel then who are they really rebelling against? Yes we can say we are not of this world and we must not follow the ways of this world but though we are here we belong to a different kingdom all together, so theres no need to rebel against anything. I think God has really given me a deepen lesson on obedience, its so important in this day and age where there are so many 'grey spots', and we sometimes assume doing certain things isn't being disobedient. But I feel there are very clear cut differences between the secular world and the kingdom of God we live in, and these are the things we MUST NOT compromise. Nor should we look at them as possibly part of both worlds, becuase this secular world is corrupt and evil, and nothing of it can possibly be part of God's holy kingdom. And haha, I must say this, God is really filling me up with SOOOO much passion haha, I think someday soon I'll find myself a totally different person, and I'll look back and see what a wonderful change God has done in me haha. Its like for passion art I want to do so much! And God keeps popping ideas in my head haha, but yeah, I don't want to go overboard and get too carried away, cause ultimately its all for God and I cannot claim any credit for it. God gave me my mind, God gave me creativity, God gave me inspiration to look beyond what I normally see and see so much more meaning. So yeah, I really am so excited and happy haha, and I'm gonna keep this going on! I will never let this world get me down, because I'm not part of it, and in God's kingdom, its celebration and praise all day long!




With faith like a child.

Nice Friday! =D

Haha yeah! Today wasn't too bad, bought a new cd, Try! the live album by the John Mayer Trio, good jazzy stuff, going back to the groove man haha. And like my song has kind of evolved, its beginning to sound latin =s Haha, I seriously don't know if it'll work =P AND YEAH, got more ideas for passion art! BUT for the sake of giving a surprise I wouldn't say it here! Haha, only a few people know so yesh, SHEESHHHH, I rather people find out on the day itself =D But its very much a me thing, like a nice warm thingy haha, I don't know why I just like nice warm stuff, and I wanna be a person who gives people that kind of a feeling haha. And the speaker session today it was AWESOME! Totally spoke to me man thank goodness I went! Like I had no intentions of going, but like somehow I ended up going out with Kevin, meeting up with Salene who was going to church for it and TADA! I was there haha! But really was a VERY good session yeah. I'll post what I've picked up and really spoke to me tomorrow after the second part of the session. And like today I thought a bit about stuff, and you know I remembered my name means upright, and gosh, really got me thinking if I'm worthy of my own name. So YES! I'm aiming to live up to my name haha, literally =P So YEAHHHHHH, good day, good stuff, really excited gosh, what more can I say? =P



With faith like a child.

Excited!

Haha yeah! I'm excited! About the passion art thingy, like its coming so soon! My poem is kinda done I think, although I'm not too sure =s And I think I have a song, I hope to get it done soon yups! Although its something really different, so yeah, hope I can pull it off, but I really do think this is the one for me haha. Going out tomorrow too, to my old school haha, I hope I don't meet too many ex-schoolmates it'd be weird =s And I'll be going Trumpet Praise too FINALLY! WOOHOO, man I've been waiting very long to go =P




With faith like a child.

Cool Sunday

Today was quite nice haha, really chilling man. I guess for worship I should have put more heart into it, and I should have slept early last night it just didn't help at all =P And I think sermon was really good today, like everything that was talked about last week gosh, amazing haha. And yeah, just chilled out a lot today, which is cool really haha. And being in a car Salene is driving is a very interesting experience, especially when she's like listening to songs she like and wanting to drink while driving (not alcohol though just a normal drink yeah). And her dad is funny haha. Got a new CD, the Toby Mac remix cd at like $10.90 real value for money man. That's why I love Life Bookshop, sometimes sell the stuff I'd have to get at like double the price elsewhere =P And oh yeah met an ex-classmate there too how cool, honestly never expected it, and like he's been working there for like 1 year? Like omigosh I go to parkway how often and I've only met him after so long haha. Gonna try and keep in contact with him, always nice to meet old friends ^_^

Tomorrow I'm going out for dinner haha yay, should be fun, and tuesday going out again! Gonna drop by Trumpet Praise see if theres anything new, I bet the uncle must be wondering what happened to me, like he'll be asking why I haven't come by for so long, and tell me all the new stuff thats come in haha, really nice fellow, good I got to know him by being a regular customer =P In fact I sometimes get really good discounts, DRATS! I should have gone at christmas time, I remember they gave me A LOT of discount last last year haha, oh well =P But yeah, it feels so weird that I haven't really been buying CDs, gotta get a few more haha. And AHHHH, still working on the song, really don't know how I'm gonna do it, really this has to be an open thingy, like you know flow with the Spirit, when it comes it comes kinda thing yeah. I'm just gonna wait and pray and yeah, if God puts a new song in my heart I'll do it! But if it doesn't come oh well, another time I guess =P




With faith like a child.

Status Report For Next Worship Night

Got word yesterday about what the current status is for the next worship night. There'll be one worship night for all the music mins in church this feb, but as for the combined with main service worship night, it isn't confirmed yet. So yeah, the youth min worship night has to be put on hold too, will go back to the original planned date of somewhere in April. I was hoping I could help out for one more worship night before I go into army, but its okay! If I don't get to its alright yeah, I mean if I want it to be pushed forward just cause I want to be part of it its wrong isn't it? And yeah, its very important to see where the church is going, and move along with the church as a whole, something I really always try to keep in mind. So yups, if I can't play for the next worship night its okay! I'll have plenty more opportunities after that really, and you know, worship night is all about God anyway so yeah =) I'll do my part by praying for it! ^_^




With faith like a child.

I'll Live For God And Not Myself!

Haha WOOHOO! =P I'm doing a 180 degree turn around and getting myself out of that crappy situation I always end up in. TIME TO STOP THE NONSENSE haha, and grow out of this 'I'm so lonely no one loves me' crap. I realize there are still a lot of people who care for me, gosh you wonderful people =D And I kind of let one person make me feel really lousy (although the person probably doesn't even know too), which is SO silly! Like GOSH, what am I doing man, I can't let other people affect me like this, the only person who should be allowed to make such a big impact in my life is God! And yeah, I'm really over that whole nonsense already, like I'll just leave it to God (the way I used to do it and still should =P). And yeah, today was a good day!

Of cause for the camp debrief there were quite a few stuff bring said and all and yeah, I didn't like quite a bit of it. But yeah, we all have to love each other, and you know, work things out, theres really so much that can be improved. And I'm going to make it a point to really pray for Nat, I really do see potential in him its just that you know, the environment he grew up in and stuff affects his thinking. And changing mindsets is not something people can really do, its really up to God so I'll pray, and find opportunities to help out in any way. But yeah, found out today there was quite a lot going on during the planning of the whole thing and wow, its really things to think about and pray for the church.

Its just so sad how we always say some negative stuff is 'just CMC culture', and like oh, its normal. I think its really bad that we allow these things to become like common to us, and yeah, it affects how people respond and think about things. Like how CMC youths are a 'clique ministry', so many of the CGs are so inward thinking. Yes its expected that since everyone grew up together they'll be very close, but it really is sad it goes to the extend outsiders don't stand a chance of getting into a CG. And its always like 'hey, that guy looks/talks/seems weird/funny/strange' and people will make fun of them and stuff or say 'oh, he's to different, he can't fit in'. Honestly I feel that CGs should be more open and accepting, but it seems in CMC its like for the happening CGs they are so bonded and together they reject other things, and you know go for what they believe in, or what the feel is right. I think I'll stop on this for awhile, because yeah, its bordering close to 'attacking' certain CGs and I don't want to do that, I want to stay as objective as possible. Honestly my CG isn't very good too, I'll admit, and I haven't been doing much to make any improvements, so yeah, its really something I myself have to work on.

Now on to the lighter things haha, I really am happy for CAM, they are a wonderful ministry and I really want to see them grow. And I think it is happening, CAM has grown through the past year and theres just so much more to expect this year. I just get SOOOO excited talking about this year! Haha yeah, its like there so much planned already, and yeah, I think God is really gonna start something moving and we'll all just be swept away in it.

I REALLY REALLY LOVE Godsrockers haha! Its really my ministry, like I was there from the beginning and watching it grow over the years, it really means so much for me! And I really love all the people in it too, especially Kevin and Jon =D Its like with Kevin we can talk about all our crazy dreams, and all the wonderful things we want to see happen, and yeah, its just amazing how the things we say are like what each other were already thinking about and you know, it just all clicks together. But for myself I want to slow down a bit, and yeah, really pray and ask God to reveal more of what He wants, I don't want to get carried away in all my excitement =P And Jon is really such a wonderful brother, really is like an older brother haha, thanks Jon for being there =)

And today was a wonderful day! Yesterday too but only Salene will know why =P Haha yeah, I felt that worship was good for me, and I really hope it was for everyone else too, all the people jumping =P But yeah, after playing I realized something VERY important, its very easy to let pride get the better of you. For a moment I was thinking like wow, I really did bring the energy level up didn't I? And then I realized what I was thinking and like GOSH, how can I think like that? Its not me that does it, its God through me. Like when I get so energized and I'm really whacking away it sounds good only because its my worship to God, and I just want to rejoice, and God uses that to bless others. Without God its just a whole lot of noise, meaningless sound.

And yeah, it was wonderful hanging out with wveryone haha GOSH, I really love it when like just out with Jon, Kevin, Salene, etc... and you know we just talk about so many things. Like church and stuff, I think its good to like do this, to think about what we can do to help, but also recognising our limitations and we also have to submit to authority, a very important thing to remember. Because yeah, the church moves as a whole, under a common goal and vision, not following what one or a group of people believe. And also knowing that God put people in authority and gave them the discernment and wisdom to decide, and we have to trust in it no matter what we feel. And yeah Salene, its just so exciting right! Haha its so weird how Kevin, you and I just have so many similar ideas its so amazing! Really so excited haha. And I very happy that Jon will be around this year like yeah! He'll get to see all the wonderful things happen and I think he really deserves to, yeah Jon you've put quite a lot into Godsrockers when you've been around and you really deserve to see it really grow, and yeah not just Godsrockers but the whole youth ministry, its just wonderful to have you around for this year of breakthrough.

Haha gosh I'm so excited I've done a mega posting haha, but really its just too much to contain, I'm really so looking forward to everything, and I wouldn't let myself get so down in the dumps again haha.





With faith like a child.

So I Look To You!

Man I love that song, haha and thats what I'll do! I'll look to God and forget everything else yeah! Because thats what life is all about anyway isn't it? Sure God loves everyone else and we're to do the same too, but yeah, the center of it all is still God, and I will look to him and forget the rest yups!




With faith like a child.

I'll Leave It All Behind

You know what, screw what I feel, its not that important. Yeah, I mean its really not that important that I don't speak to people at all anymore, I have a lot more important stuff to do. I'm going to just focus on my music, its not my lost people lose me as a friend, and I can live with it. Theres so much ahead for me I'm not going to let all this nonsense hold me back. I don't need any support from people, its all unreliable anyway, its really just me and God. Yups, I'm getting out of this and I wouldn't care about it anymore. Thank God for music =P

Scared And Hanging On For Dear Life

I'm scared, really scared. Scared I'll lose myself, and there wouldn't be anyone to help me back on track again like last time. I'm going insane honestly, and I'm just trying so hard to put my thoughts in order, and get rid of all the nonsense. It just feels so lousy, to have given so much and gotten nothing in the end, everything I've done here on Earth for other people is all a waste, in the end I stand alone. I remember reading somewhere in the bible before someone was saying how meaningless everything is, and I find it true. Meaningless. Friendships what do they do for you? Take the time be there for people, take the time to get to know them, but in the end, when they don't need you anymore they leave you. Or they eventually lose interest, and you're all alone again. Is man kind so pathetic? That they can never make friendships that will last? I think everything man does is doomed to fail in the start, friendship is meaning less, anything to do with this world is meaningless, all that remains is God. I've given up on friendships, I've given up believing people will actually care, that they'll even take the extra effort when they eventually lose interest. And I've given up trying to be a good friend anymore, I don't want to be used and ignored, to go the extra mile for nothing, I don't want to waste my time anymore. There is no such thing as a close friend to me anymore, everyone is just a 'friend'. I wouldn't pretend to be close anymore, I wouldn't go through the whole charade, and don't come looking for me anymore, I wouldn't be there. I've had enough of meaningless friendships, now I only build one friendship, the only one that lasts and thats the one with God. Yes I'm bitter and hardened, thats what months of silence and loneliness can do to a person.

New Year, Same Problem

Sigh... its only like the third day of the new year and I'm right smack at square one again. I just can't help but feel like everyones abandoned me, I don't know, seems like no one really cares anymore. And its getting to me, I've written a song about it I may or may not use it for the V Day thingy cause its a very emotional thing. But yeah, isn't it tragic how your friends seem to disappear one by one? But I wouldn't break, I wouldn't lose it again I'll just carry on, struggle on with God by my side. I really wonder why God puts me through all of this, and I really hope to find out why someday.




With faith like a child.

Doing A Song! =D

Haha yeah! I'm doing a song for the V Day exhibition thingy yay! So exciting! =D Haha yups, real good timing to, gives me something to do and occupy my time haha. School is starting for everyone else =( Means I'll be staying home a lot more than usual oh well! I have my song project to do so its alright haha =P




With faith like a child.

Finally My New Year Posting

ARGH, my computer just died on me TWICE while I was doing my new year posting, so I'll cut short some stuff and try and get it done fast =l

Haha first of all, I must say last year was great! Even though It was the crappest year so far (had A LOT of really bad moments, I actually got to a point I couldn't cry anymore which is weird for me), I seem to have drifted from a lot of people (gosh I hardly talk to anyone anymore =s) and I really don't know whats going to happen to me in the future (quitting school and stuff). Still, its the year God touched me in a new way, letting me feel His peace and comfort, and also He's thought me a lot about coping with loneliness. I guess my biggest problem last year was dealing with loneliness, I guess I'm the sort of friend who gives a lot but wants a lot in return too so not many people can really click with me, and it really got to me. But now you know, I feel at ease with just God keeping me company, I haven't really talked to anyone for days and its perfectly fine, I still feel at ease and yeah, not upset at all =) And I must say it was a good year for the church too, seeing things happen, and seeing things in youth ministry picking up woohoo! Yeah and God has blessed me with a lot, just amazing how much He loves me =D

And even though it was my loneliest year, I'm VERY VERY happy I got to know Salene better like really she's such a wonderful person! =D Salene I bet you didn't know you helped spark a "mini-revival" in me right? =P But you did! Haha, when I saw how on fire you were for God and CAM I was like WOW, WHAT AM I DOING MAN! It really challenged me to find God again and recapture that spark, to start the fire burning again and talking with you and stuff you know it really rubs off. And its really nice talking to you, like we can be talking about nonsense and suddenly we'll go to a more serious topic and you know, just share views and stuff, really learn a lot and its like just spontanous haha. Its good you didn't get to see too much of my crappy side =x And don't worry! I don't mind when you come and whine reallyyyy, like you're there for me so I'll be there for you too! I'll always be all ears =) And thanks so much for the book! Read a bit of it already and yeah, its good! Haha mannnnnn, I just love you to bits you're such a wonderful sister! *hugs* ^_^

And thanks Aud! You're a wonderful gal too ^_^ You saw my crappy side but still stuck around to try and cheer me up and stuff! Thanks yeah, know you have your own problems too so you can't always be around but its totally alright! I understand yeah? Just like I know I haven't always been around too =s And I'm just so impossible to read sometimes haha =P But yeah, it was nice having you as an AGL, I think i did my best job as a GL last year because I had a good AGL who I could still talk to like you! =D

And lastly theres Godsrockers, probably the most important thing in my life now (right below God that is =P). I love my ministry, really LOVE it, its almost everything to me. I know God has REALLY big plans for it, its so exciting! And all the wonderful people inside gosh... really love them all! Theres all the leaders, Shawn, Kelvin and Lynette, they did a good job last year. And I'll personally like to thank them for the help for Worship Night 2005, they really did help a lot with advice and suggestions.

And then theres Simon MAN, haha I absolutely LOVE playing with him and just talking about stuff. Like he really is a music man, can play so many things its amazing. And like its nice to just talk about ministry and exchange ideas and thoughts, I mean you're more grounded and practical which is good sometimes. Like I know for me theres a risk of getting carried away with things and yeah, its good to have someone to help keep me in check and to really rethink the ideas and thoughts I have. And the way we click with Eugene haha, its so cool! And I think theres a reason for the special 'chemistry', heres to many more years playing for God! Eugene is just another amazing person, he has improved at bass like how freaking fast! And he is like one of the more 'free-flow' players like me and Simon which is just wonderful, yeah God has really bless Godsrockers.

And of cause I can't leave out Kevin da man =P Haha it encourages me when I see him get excited for God, and it drives me on too, really just so excited about what is to come cause I see so much God can do. And it really is awesome watching him grow up through the years, how He slowly became more open to Go. Like last time you probably thought I was nuts and would joke about it and stuff when I was laughing after or during worship right? But now you know a lot and understand its more than just laughing haha. Heres to many more years rocking for God together! And to the day we release our first Godsrockers album! =P After we perform at Sonicfest of cause haha.

So whats ahead for the new year? I've got promises I have to keep with God, some really personal I wouldn't put here, but a few others yeah I don't mind people knowing:

1. Evangalism, I want to do something to bring people into church, I don't know what it is yet but I definately want to try. There was a quote by Bishop Graham Cray in the book Passion For You Name by Tim Hughes (the book Salene gave me! =D) which goes, "Worship without mission is self-indulgent. Mission without worship is self-defeating." And I think its very true, mission is a part of worship as much as music, reading the bible, or anything we do is, everything we do we should do for God as an act of worship. And missions is something definately missing in my life.

2. Better direction on what I'm suppose to do in the future. I talked to my dad today about wanting to go full-time and stuff and he really gave me a lot of food for thought, really have a lot to consider and most importantly, I have to be sure its what God wants.

3. To be able to maintain a healthy lifestyle of worship even though I'll be in army. This is very important to me, I don't want to backslide or try to 'fit in' by conforming to the norms of the outside world. Yes I will be nice and try and talk and get to know people, but no I wouldn't become them to do that, I wouldn't compromise on my beliefs.

4. More discipline to practise/study my music, whatever the case I know I want to do something music, its just whether or not its in church. But I think i need more discipline to spend more time on it, a dedication of worship to God to try and master my craft, the gifts God gave me to glorify Him.

5. What I try but haven't been able to do so far and probably will be harder next year, do regular quiet time. I don't open my bible often enough, that much I know myself, and I can't claim to know God intimately if I don't even spend time with Him. So I'm going to keep trying until I get it right, and I want it to happen this year.

Yups thats about it for now, and just a little bit of extra, I found last nights sermon interesting. Like I've always known I'm favoured by God but I think I kind of took it for granted. So yeah, just now I was like thinking gosh, I am a favoured son of God I'm very special, not because of who I am or what I can do but just because God loves me in a very special way. And it really makes me realise how much I've taken God for granted, I just want to try and make up for it all, give back as much as I can. Even though I know like no matter how much I give it'll be nothing compared to what He could give, but still I'll give my all and yeah, try as hard as I can for Him. And I really don't want to lose this favour God has for me. I want to be God's favoured son forever, its really nice how He always appears to me like a kind-hearted father who'll always relent in the end and let me have my way, and I really have become quite spoiled, its about time I started being more obedient. And I really am going to try and gain more favour from God, yeah, I want to be someone really special for Him, and thats going to be one of my biggest goals for my whole life, not just this year. I want to forever be God's favoured child =)




With faith like a child.