Almost Over The Edge

I'm almost there, haha, getting a little sucidial oh well, hopefully it doesn't lead to anything unreverseable. But yups, at the moment I'm just struggling with myself, crazy stuff going on in my head haha, in fact I almost killed myself a couple of times today haha, mind you I didn't intend it too which is the scary part. Strangely enough I just get crazy sucidal thoughts just from looking at stuff and yeah, I had to stop myself from walking right in front of vehicles while crossing the road, its just so weird. The whole day was weird, everything seem to be on silent, actually I think its like that everyday, just that I seem to notice it more today. Yups, I'm prepertually invisible, and no one really notices, and I don't even seem to be myself anymore. It feels more like I'm watching myself go through the motions. i don't know really, I think I'm going crazy, wonder how much longer before I totally crack up. Haha oh well, guess thats the way things are for me, I don't know I just give up.

Screwed Up?

As you guys probably can see for yourselves, I haven't really been a consistent blogger. And there is a very good reason for it, its cause I'm an emo kid. Which means, I have a tendency to get angsty, sad, depressed, etc... and blogging doesn't really help sometimes cause its just channeling all those feelings into a posting and letting it all hang out. Everything is just hanging at its end at the moment, one wrong move and I'm ready to fall apart. Honestly, what is the point of living? *Shrug* I will not go into that now, I'll just go out on another angsty rant of how pathetic life seems to be and so on, and when I get to the part about being lonely and the apparent lack of anything resembling a love life and all that BOOM, I've reached an all new low thank you very much. Yup, for now I'm just blocking everything out, just stay emotionless, thats the best isn't it? Oh well, I guess I'm just the screwed up kid.

Back At Square One?

Coldplay
Square One

You're in control, is there anywhere you wanna go?
You're in control, is there anything you wanna know?
The future's for discovering
The space in which we're travelling
From the top of the first page
To the end of the last day
From the start in your own way
You just want somebody listening to what you say
It doesn't matter who you are
It doesn't matter who you are

Under the surface trying to break through
Deciphering the codes in you
I need a compass, draw me a map
I'm on the top, I can't get back

Whoa whoa

The first line on the first page
To the end of the last page
From the start in your own way
You just want somebody listening to what you say
It doesn't matter who you are
It doesn't matter who you are

You just want
Somebody listening to what you say
Oh, you just want somebody listening to what you say
It doesn't matter who you are
It doesn't matter who you are

Is there anybody out there who
Is lost and hurt and lonely too
Are they bleeding all your colours into one?
and if you come undone
As if you've been run through
Some catapult it fired you
You wonder if your chance will ever come
Or if you're stuck in square one




Strange how this song just says it all for me. Am I back in square one? Desperately trying to find someone to talk to? *Shrug* I honestly don't know, still in my daze and not intending to let go of it cause I know everything will just come falling down again when I do.

=)

Haha yay !!! Thanks aud !!! *HUGS* Haha you silly gal its impossible for me to stay sad when you talk to me man haha =P Thanks soooooooooo much !!! And jh and deb too, *HUGS* thanks for being there yeah deb and jh thanks for yesterday !!! Haha glad you stopped me to pray for me really did make me feel better =) Haha awwwww... you gals are the best !!! *Grabs all of you for a group hug* =P Haha yup yup, guess watcha say is true aud, I'm meant to be high and nonsensical and silly haha, and yeah, with you gals around I shouldn't feel lonely !!! Who cares about love and all that when I got pals like all of you bleah =P Haha yups, its smileys again from now on =)

Enough Of The Phoniness

I had it, no more trying to smile, and trying to talk to people when I know I'm not okay, and I don't really want to talk about it. I'm not gonna deceive myself anymore, I'm not okay, things aren't getting better, its nice people trying to help but it isn't really helping, trying to cheer me up wouldn't get me anywhere cause I can't even cheer myself up, and I'm honestly just making myself smile and deceiving myself into thinking that I actually feeling better. I'm sorry guys, if I'm frustrating, I know you all care about me and really do appreciate it, but somehow theres just this thing inside of me that makes me feel lonely, theres just a part of me no one can reach and yeah... My world has completely gone silent, everything has just disappeared, you can walk right in front of me and I wouldn't see you, you can call me by my name but I just wouldn't hear you, just lost in a daze. Sorry if I ignored any people today, I think you all could see something was wrong right yeah... but still feel sorry about ignoring you guys if I did, just not feeling myself, or anything for that matter right now. At least I've come to grips with the fact I'll always be alone, can forget about trying to find the 'one' cause theres no 'one' for me haha, and that will save me a lot of heartbreak cause if I tried I'd only be left hurt and left for death over and over again, and I honestly don't know how many more times of that I can think. So yeah, now I don't have to worry anymore, no more looking for what I can't have, no more idealistic romantic dreams, time to wake up to reality and breathe in the cynical logic. I wouldn't pretend things are okay anymore and put on my fake smiles, I hope you guys understand being true myself is important to me, and right now I'm not feeling too good, and pretending I'm okay just isn't being what I really am right now yeah.

Numb Again

Yup its back, its the fourth stage of my cycle, the part before the healing. So yeah, just wanna warn you guys that I'm not in a very sociable mood now, and I'm sorry if I come across cold okay? Church was weird today, I don't know, for some reason I couldn't stand it when people were laughing and stuff, I guess I felt like they should give me some quiet while I try to talk to God and try to listen to him, but its not anyones fault really, just because I'm in a super crappy mood doesn't mean other people must be more careful with me, especially when they don't know I'm in the crappy mood in the first place. I just kept crying, I don't know why, but after all the crying I feel kinda numb and cold, and I like that. I want to settle into the numbness for awhile, not feel or think anything anymore, cause I'm just so tired. So tired of trying, tired of finding people and tryin to make myself not feel so lonely anymore. I give up, I'll just stay lonely, its for the best I guess, I'll just rot away quietly in my silent world, wouldn't really matter does it? I can't let people in, even if they tried, I really appreciate it but its just me, I'm self-destructive and self-pitying, I don't want to bring other people down with me. So yeah, I'll just stay away, that way I wouldn't be able to hurt anyone and no one will be able to hurt me. The numbness will keep me company anyway.

Loneliness

Sigh... how I hate it yet love it. I hate being lonely, I hate this feeling of never feeling like I'm really with people, and knowing I'll probably feel like this forever, and yet I love it this way, cause I know I'll never hurt anyone and no one will ever hurt me. How I long for someone, anyone at all that I can really feel alive with, that can really make me feel like I'm not alone after all. But somehow I've always knew its not might for me, sigh... I was born to be alone I guess. Silence, thats all I ever know, thats all I ever seem to get all day. But than its alright I guess, I've always lived in a silent world, watching peoples' mouths move but never really hearing anything, giving a polite smile for every joke I didn't even hear, yups, I'm just the guy in the background thats just there. I've always walked around as if in a daze, cause its just so confusing wondering around alone I guess, talking to myself all the time, keeping myself occupied and entertained, arguing with myself on things, just me and myself, wonderful isn't it? Yet theres no one I can blame, thats nothing that can be done, I'll just have to accept my fate as the lonely man who'll probably live on quietly by himself till the day he dies yup. I try to drag myself out of it, I try to tell myself I have friends that care, yet somehow it doesn't seem enough, may be I expect too much, may be I give too much so I believe in such high standards, or may be I shouldn't even bother about it anymore. And whenever I feel like I've really crawled out, I find myself jumping in again, I love the pain, I love the hurt, somehow I've started to love the feeling of being alone, cause I guess it's one of the only things that were really always there for me? I'm comfortable with crying my heart out, with wanting to rip it out and end this all, just end this lonely existence and leave it all behind, and as weird as it seems I like that feeling. I like this self-destructive mood, I wanna see how deep I can sink in, how far I can go before I totally lose it. In fact I wanna lose it, I wanna just go mad and kill myself or something as morbid as it sounds. Oh well, I hope theres still hope for me.

My Sick Vicious Cycle

This is going to be a blog only thing, I'm not gonna tell anyone about it cause I'm so sick of it already. Seriously what is wrong with me? Whats been happening lately thats got me feeling so screwed up, gosh I wish I knew. Its like I'm suddenly stuck in this vicious cycle of depression and sadness, everytime I think I'm alright already the pain resurfaces and hits me even harder, I honestly don't know how much more of this I can take. Its just this recurring feeling of loneness, like whats the point in everything, even when I'm with people it still feels like I'm alone, I feel like I'm just an empty shell staring into nothing by myself. Sigh... Its so ironic that I'm like cheerful and stuff most of the time but inside I just want to be sad, I just one to be hurt and in pain and know that I'm alive. Cause I can't really tell the difference between being dead and what I'm like now, its just so cold inside. And I really wonder whats up with my sadistic love of liking the feeling of being sad, liking the feeling of being alone, its like a love-hate kinda thing, I love being alone and I think I should stay alone for the rest of my life sometimes, but at other times I just can't stand it, I just wanna yell out loud for anyone at all to save me. Its not that I don't have friends who will listen yeah, I do have friends, but I don't know, I just don't want to be another burden to them, I don't want to go on ranting and ranting and get them irritated and stuff, because I know I'm gonna start talking nonsense that makes no sense and not listen to what they're saying. I just seem to like the cold nowadays, want to sit on my bed with the air-con blasting hugging myself, want to take cold showers and just freezing and cold, cause It just doesn't compare to whats inside. I hate myself, I find I hate myself more everyday, feel like I'm so useless even when I know I'm not. It can't be helped, just feel so hopeless, why am I always feeling hopeless gosh... Sometimes I wonder if I'm just deceiving myself, believing someday things will be alright, always cheering myself up by saying things will get better and I don't have to worry, cause everytime things do seem to get better its suddenly all gone again, and it hits me harder and faster everytime, I can't believe how fast my mood can change nowadays. And I'm so tired of trying to hold back the tears, it seems like almost everyday there'll be some point when I wish I could just breakdown, but I can't do that, I've cried enough already I don't wanna start that all over again. I think I'll stop now, I'm getting sick of my own posting and its more than enough self-pity I can stand already.

What Has Become Of Me?

Honestly what have I become? I don't know anymore, I don't know what I'm doing, I don't know why I'm living, feel like I've become another walking dead. Just a empty soul walking around with a wound that has torn everything apart and left me with nothing, nothing really seems to matter anymore. I think I'm losing it, talking to myself all the time, arguing and fighting with myself, theres just no one I can talk to, no one I can really be open with and its sad, but thats the way life is isn't it? We're suppose to get through it ourselves, or at least thats what I feel, its like every man for himself, and helping others comes only when everything is fine and perfect. I don't know, for me it's always been other people first myself last, and I guess its been a long time coming cause I've been ignoring my own issues and only thinking about other people. Yeah I have friends who listen but than they have their own problems to, and somehow I know they don't wanna know too much about mine. Its okay really, cause like they're not suppose too and yeah I understand, in the first place I don't really know whats wrong with myself now, so yeah I can't really talk about it. I guess theres nothing than can really be done, got lots of soul searching to do, hopefully I'll be alright soon, cause it really is killing me inside.







Hanging on by a thread,
God when will it end?
Sit here praying for an escape,
Wouldn't you come take me away?

Weird

Sigh... I'm weird, the whole want to feel sad thing is coming back to me, or at least I think it is. I don't know why ever since I can remember I've had so many sleepless nights crying, so many times I've felt really heartbroken and hurt that somehow I feel comfortable being sad. I just can't explain it, I'll just feel kinda sad and wanna take out my sad songs, listen to them and just cry and stuff. And this time its even weirder cause I still feel a happiness, yet at the same time I feel that sorrow, and I just wanna dive deeper into this sadness, I don't know, its just so strange. I'm okay with being sad, yeah, and I'm okay with people hurting me, strange as it is, I rather they hurt me than I hurt them which is a good thing right? I don't know whats wrong but things just don't feel right, oh well tomorrow will be a better day, if not theres the next day or the one after, however long it'll take it'll eventually be okay =)