Hm... Been Awhile

Hm... its been awhile since I've last posted haha, anyway thanks guys =) I'm sorta okay now yups, don't really think bout those stuff anymore yup yup =) Just living a day at a time, although like it seems to be just passing me by, but yeah for now I guess thats okay, at least I'm not going crazy or anything =P

I Need Help...

Oh gosh I need God's help, I'm becoming sucidal again, thinking of ways to hurt myself and all that nonsense, sigh... people pray for me okay?

Sigh

Sigh... Feel real miserable cause I realize I don't have a social life, everythings so routine, and like I hardly talk to people really. Feeling more anti-social, more lonely, and generally more empty. Think I'll ask God to fill that up for me, still not quite used to having only God to be there for me but yeah, I'll get the hang of it, not easy for me to have very good friends cause its impossible to understand me sigh... Well hopefully things will look up after I'm done with this job, cause it really just makes me feel like a robot argh...

Hope

We've been down to the bottom
Stories we got 'em, when we hit rock bottom
If you been there put your hands in the air
To let the lost know that someone cares

Thats the chorus for the song Stories (Down To The Bottom) by Toby Mac featuring other artists, great song, really thank God I have the CD. I'm sure everyones felt like that before, feeling like they've reached rock bottom, feel that a lot too and yeah, good to be reminded theres no one person who only gets it, like everyone goes through it too and you're never alone.

Than I got to the song Burn For You and it made me feel loads better, the chorus goes:

I feel revived again, I am alive again,
(Burnin' for you) You got me lifted and lifted you lift me up
I feel revived again, I'm energized again
(Burnin' for you) You got me lifted and lifted you lift me up

Yeah, kinda feeling a lot better now =)

Empty

Back to my empty mood, don't wanna feel anymore sigh... I wish I could love, its what I've been dreaming of for so long, but I know I can't, I have to push anyone I get too close to away because I know it wouldn't work, I know I'll always be alone. So many people have tried, saying they wanna get to know me, to try and help me, but in the end they all gave up, all left me be and went off with some other guy. But I'm not bitter about it, somehow I knew it would end always end like that. Its okay, its nice to see other people happy, although i do wish it could happen to me. Just so hard to accept, when you're a true romantic and all you've waited for is for someone to love and who will love you in return, but than I know its a hopeless search for me, but I still can't let it go sigh... I am demented, crazed, emotionally unstable and sucidal, I have to be cold... not by choice but by need, I must not allow myself to fall in love again... no more silly idealistic emotions I have to outgrow it before its to late...



Strange how the song As It Stands by Juliana Theory really says it all. Especially the verse:

and everyone i've held in my arms
i believe i pushed away
i would be there if i could be there
but as it stands i'm gone
everyone has slipped away

And another of their songs, The Hardest Thing, which chorus goes:

sometimes the hardest things in life
are the things we have to do
and even when we feel it's right
I never wanna hurt you



I'm sorry for the people I've hurt... intentionally or not... Its hard but its what I have to do...





Watch my demise as I rot in silence...
A longing, a wish, that leaves me crying...
Give up the dream, awaken to reality...
embrace the coldness that leaves you with numbness...

Ouch...

Oh man, like freak accident argh... Woke up in the morning and like something happened to my leg while i was stretching while yawning, feels like cramp but the pains been there all day argh... Man... it sucks... talk about it not being my week sigh...

Better Now

Hm... the strangest thing happened yesterday, I actually couldn't cry anymore, it was weird, but it was good, God didn't allow me to cry anymore. I just felt peace, a peace that just didn't allow me to cry anymore and I'm a lot better now. God told me it'd all be fine, yeah, all this relationship stuff it'll all be okay in the end. And like I thought of something, like may be God wanted me all to himself, to be exclusively his, so I'm gonna keep that in mind, yeah, I may remain single all my life, but I am gonna be happy bout it ^_^ Relationships are overrated anyway, all I've seen so far hasn't convinced me that its really worth it, may be its just my experience, but I guess may be its a good thing, not knowing what its like to really be loved wouldn't make me miss it right? So yups, just thinking and stuff again =)

Hm...

I think I'm throwing the whole notion of love and romance outta the window, its just not meant for me. I know my standards are high and I don't intend to lower them, so yeah, I'll just be lonely all my life, just like I predicted from the very beginning. Such a tradegy, what I want I'll never find, all I get is possiblities that can never be acheived and lotsa false hopes, I have to stop falling for people when I know it'd never work out, sigh... Why do I keep telling myself that but let it happen all the time... My prayer for today is to be tougher, to not fall in love again, all it does it hurt me and leave me bad memories, thats all I seem to have really, all my good memories erased and replaced with all the hurt that just keeps coming over and over again. Its a vicious cycle and I want out, I'm ditching the whole love thing for now. Slipped away, I have slipped away...


The cynical, the lost,
the shattered hearts without a cause.
All left to rot in decedent and pain.

void of emotion and void of thought,
gone forever and changed within.
There is no end when there was no beginning.

Despair your friend in desperation,
feel the coldness take you over.






Pardon my nonsensical ranting for a moment, I'll get it straight eventually, but for now I just wanna embrace my despair for awhile. I guess the pain lets me know I'm still alive.



Juliana Theory - As It Stands

everything i have in my head
it begins to fade away
i search for it and i long for it
now i know it's gone
everything has slipped away

and im so overwhelmed
everything that rests upon my shoulders fell
i would like to tell anyone who has depended on me for themselves,
i'm sorry

and everyone i've held in my arms
i believe i pushed away
i would be there if i could be there
but as it stands i'm gone
everyone has slipped away

don't be overwhelmed
everyone that loved me more than i could tell,
i'm sorry
there's a private hell for anyone who lives to only love themselves

everyone has slipped away
everyone has slipped away
everyone has slipped away

everything has slipped away

Wow, It's Been Awhile

Wow, haha, haven't made any postings for a really long time man, well I'm just about to go to sleep soon so yuppies, just gonna do a short posting. First of all, thanks jh !!! You rock, you're like a great sister to me =) *hugs* Yuppies, been feeling a lil low again (whats new huh?) but yeshie, feeling a lot better now =) Got my pay yesterday YAY, but like hm... can't really spend it yet shucks =P haha hm... well thats about all for now, maybe will do a proper update tomorrow time to sleep haha =P